Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
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If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.