My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
bought wrong eggs
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.