wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…