My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
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Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.