(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
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*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas