He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
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ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂