Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
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Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’