Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile