Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.