Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
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Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
this will hang in the louvre one day
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Webb. James Webb.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.