My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
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I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Called it
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.