I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.