Stop.
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[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?