I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Hero horse inspires millions
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.