Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
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Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
A huge thanks to the person that did this
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.