Me, after a minor inconvenience:
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.