Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
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You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
oh u like geography? name every lake
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
The Assassin.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.