Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
japanese corn
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”