My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
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The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Just how popey was the pope today?
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.