I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
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My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.