A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.