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You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
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Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*