Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
You Might Also Like
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.