Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
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When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Wait a second…