They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Doug is just Canadian for dog
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.