He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
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Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂