My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
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[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”