If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
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Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.