My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
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The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller