Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
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“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming