[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
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My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.