Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
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If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
every single time
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
why I oughta
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt