wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish