I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.