My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
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Name this drama.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.