Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
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Only 10 more days til Halloween!
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?