My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
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ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired