At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
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Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
me and my fake scenarios
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?