Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
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In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Every BBC series about the universe.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Fight
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.