remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.