Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
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Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Are you ok, human???
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.