Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
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PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.