*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
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I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Coffee is ready.
Stop it! 😂
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.