The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
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Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.