APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
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My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.