my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
You Might Also Like
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
79.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.