her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
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Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …