me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
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It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech