Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
🙄😏😂🤣
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.