Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
just pretend nothing happened
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them